Jeremy Corbyn said he will not fight Diane Abbott for her seat when their constituencies are carved up as a result of major boundary changes.
“I don’t blame him”, said the party’s chief whip Dame Rosie Winterton DBE MP; “she’s a no-holds-bared brawler, he’d be fucking mental to take that on!”, she went on to say.
Another Labour MP, who didn’t want to be named, said he’d seen her bare-knuckling in an underground prize match back in the 90’s and she was brutal; “She put this big bitch in hospital and vowed to eat her family if she ever saw her again!”, he said.
Corbyn, a self proclaimed pacifist, won’t even cut his own toenails as he thinks it’s cruel.
The Prime Minister, Teresa May said; “I’d enjoy seeing Corbyn get fucking battered by that monster, but it makes me feel sick when I think of them shagging!”
If borrowing more money than you can ever pay back, or QE as it’s known, is good enough for the government then it’s good enough for everyone claims another bizarrely named think tank.
Blue Sky Thinking, the independent think tank, claims that thanks to miserable people borrowing more money on loans and credit cards than ever before, to buy more useless iShit, growth in consumer spending is making it look like the government hasn’t entirely fucked us all over.
Shane Mcgiveren from Kirkcaldy said; I was getting anxious as I hadn’t been into the Apple store for two days, but thanks to the bank writing to me to say I could spend another £5k if I wanted to, I thought fuck-it, might as well get another iWatch as my other one is three weeks old now and people are taking the piss out of it.”
The results of a 5 year study were published this week that showed expensive ‘branded’ trainers were only as good as the cheap shite you get down the market.
Prof. Lesley McPherson, author of the study, put this miraculous discovery down to the fact that they are all in fact made in the same slum factories in the Philippines by 8 year old slaves paid $3 a year.
Prof. McPherson hopes her study will be lept upon by the big High Street retailers as this will allow them to dramatically increase their profits, and, she might get another five years of research funding?
When challenged by our reporter that that already happens the Prof. Said; “Fuck!”
A spokesperson for Nike couldn’t be contacted as their yacht was too far offshore!
The UKIP leadership debacle took a dramatic turn this morning as Shawn, a Hampster from Hemel Hempstead, threw his hat into the ring.
Shawn, well know for his ability to do back-flips from the bars of his cage and for having massive front teeth, declared an interest in becoming UKIP leader.
Shawn said; “I’ve always got on well with big Nige and being small am less likely to get into a fist fight in Brussels.”
Political commentator, Graham Stewart said; “Shawn is a shrewd political animal, I wouldn’t rule him out just yet, let’s not forget he was Shadow Chief Secretary To The Treasury during the Major administration.”
The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, and other members of the cabinet, are at loss as to how it’s possible for the budget deficit to have widened by a massive 14.5% in only one year?
A government spokesperson said: “We are looking into the reasons why this dramatic turn in the countries finances has taken place; but it clearly has something to do with us getting less money from somewhere for some reason.”
The institute for fiscal cleverness, an independent think-tank, thought it might have something to do with us giving Europe the ‘bird’ and the rest of the planet recognising what a monumental fuck-up that is, therefore, selling down our currency by 20%.
They went on to say; “So, if you’re a company that imports anything, or moves anything, or needs energy for anything then your income will be down and you’ll pay less tax!”
Working with Americans is only marginally better than selling your eldest daughter into slavery our Insider reveals.
Happy-go-lucky Americans depicted in hit TV shows such as Friends and Modern Family simply don’t exist in the business world. “American employers drink way too much cool-ade and never take holidays…or fucking sleep”, claims 30-year old Samuel Terry of Texas Bank Inc.
“I fell asleep at my desk exhausted one evening, having put in a 21-hour day, only to be woken by some wanker from New York calling me a lazy twat!”
“I don’t even have time to stand around outside expensive, shit, gastro-pubs with my other loud, brown-nosing, red-braces wearing friends anymore – fucking yanks!”
A cyclist has confounded scientists and city dwellers alike this morning, by signalling his intention to turn left by sticking out his arm at a road junction, according to eye witnesses.
Taxi driver Trevor Kent, from Kent, said: “I was about to cut the fucker up, yu’know, get my bumper a fag paper off his rear wheel, when out went his facking arm, like he wanted me to know where he was goin’!” He added: “Took the fucker out all the same, I’ve done the knowledge, bike wanker!”
Britains favourite culinary TV show, Great British Bake Off, may have been lost to Channel 4 but that’s not the end, claims senior BBC executive.
Tristan Carmichael, the BBC’s fat controller, confirmed that the gloves were off in the battle to regain the top tier. He said, “those hippy twats at C4 won’t be laughing for long, we can get a spin-off show together faster than those fucking arseholes can get Bake ff going again – and as for that scouse traitor
Hollywood…” He went on to say, “Bake Off will have to wait until the summer of 2018 before they can pull a show together, we’ll be armed and ready to go in 2017!” “Remember, losers, we’ve got Mary, Mel and Sue, so suck on that you back-stabbing thieves” he added.
It’s not all happy families with those left behind either. It’s been reported that despite Mary, Mel and Sue standing firm by their Great British morals, fighting them on the beaches and never giving up etc, family tensions have been running high due to the financial sums being talked about in the press. Mel’s husband, Phil, was overheard talking with friends at the famous Ivy restaurant in London. He was heard to say, “it’s all well and good doing the right thing by the Beeb but, for fucks sake, Hollywood pocketed £7m and he’s shit!” “All Mel has to do is say Bake in a deep comedy voice once a week and we’re quids in, guess I’ll not be eating in this fucking place again for while”.
Let the food fight commence!
Many middle class Britons will be familiar with the low-brow brand name Sports Direct. Many having driven past a store quickly to avoid the zombies or scally’s pouring out of the place or underneath a photo of a football hooligan looking fat bloke who actually owns it; but few will have had to venture inside.
Middle class Dad, Stewart Wheelan, was forced to go into Sports Direct on a mission to buy his Son, Jasper, an emergency pair of pants (that weren’t jeans) for a year 7 school outward bounds weekend. Mr Wheelan of course tried the middle-class stalwarts of Marks & Spencer and the obligatory Next but was forced to resort to retail hell when they failed to stock “sweat-pants” in a small enough size.
“I had no choice”, Mr Wheelan recalls, “I had to go to Sports Direct or Jasper would be the laughing stock at the camping expedition; and I’ll be honest I was shitting myself!”
“It was like an other-worldly place inhabited by some kind of hooded Ork-like creature. Clothing was sized by hardness, for example, my Son is not hard at all as his Church funded high school frowns on such behaviour, but I was forced to buy him Medium-hard sweat pants which are presumably marketed to the scumbag, father-less, twats you see riding stolen BMX bikes around town at midnight?”
I kept my head down, grabbed three pairs that looked vaguely the right size, paid the ex-Sunday league football captain sales assistant and fucking legged it!
By the way, three pairs of sweat pants for £50; no wonder Mike Ashley’s a billionaire and the poor sods that shop there are on the bread line!
The office of statistics today announced that the rate of inflation has risen to its highest level since 2014 mostly due to the plummeting pound.
BREXIT supporter Fred Grimes said, “how come things are getting dearer, I thought big firms selling our shit abroad were having a ball?”
It turns out that we import loads more shit than we export, so unless you’re some hippy running a website from home and you generate your own electricity, then the cost of fucking everything is going up!
Fortunately, the handful of CEO’s who run the big FTSE exporters will get a massive bonus due to the falling pound artificially massaging their profits. “Samuel Smith-Wendleson, CEO of Big Buyer Inc. Commented “Spiffingly brilliant news on the pound; my days were numbered before BREXIT fucked up our economy, now I’m on for a massive bonio in the new year thanks to our profits being up as much as the pound is down – who knew?!”